On the next episode of...

Several months ago, my son asked me if boys could have babies. When I told him they couldn't, he immediately asked why. He's eight and way beyond the "why" phase. He's able to process complex ideas. He's a whiz at math and science. He's learning Japanese. So, when Frederic asks why, he expects an answer.

My wife and I like to have these kinds of discussions together. If there's a major life lesson to be taught, we feel the ideal is to have us both present. Since Cyndi wasn't around, to appease the situation, I simply replied, "Girls are the ones who were made to have babies," thinking that would be enough.

Instead of launching into a sea of "whys," Frederic simply said, "Then what are the balls for under a guy's penis?" It was the left, right, left knock out combination punch I wasn't expecting.

For him to equate a guys testicles having anything remote to do with giving birth is nothing short of a miracle, in my opinion. Cyndi and I shelter the crap out of our kids. Not because we want to control their every move, but because we want them to get information on an "as needed" basis.

Testicles and babies were definitely not needed just yet. They are supposed to come later. Much later.

I wasn't sure how to respond right away. Frederic sensed my uneasiness, so, like any good eight year old would do, he asked again. "What do the balls on a guy's penis do then?"

Round 2.

Luckily, Cyndi was within earshot. She's much better equipped to answer these kinds of questions at this age than I am. Granted, I expect to have The Conversation with him when it is time. I can't expect my wife to have to teach him EVERYTHING.

My Conversation with my dad went like this: "Here, take these."

My father offered me his hand, as if to shake it. When I shook his hand, he put something in it. I looked down and saw a familiar gold circle, resembling the chocolate covered coins given out at Hanukkah. Upon closer investigation, I realized that my father handed me a Gold Circle Condom. Not chocolate. What's even worse, was that these condoms came from my great uncle, Sidney's junk shack that he used to have on Maxwell Street in Chicago. They were certain to be defective.

"Do you know what this is for?" my father asked.

I did know what it was for. I was 14 and had two older brothers. I was way ahead of him. I had even taken one for a solo test drive once. While I had no prior experience with an actual girl, my brothers also knew how to break into our parent's porn stash. I had seen "Deep Throat" when I was nine. Linda Loveless and Harry Reems had The Conversation (including visuals) with me years prior.

I wasn't ready for this conversation yet. And I was certain neither was Frederic. I decided to save Cyndi the grief as well.

The best I could do was offer a "to be continued" promise. He was okay with that. He had no idea that he was now in a living two-part very special episode of his life.