On her terms

I can't imagine being in this position. Having to make a decision that will affect the rest of your life. Even if that decision means it will end your life; it will end this life.

This is what happened yesterday. To my sister-in-law's mother. She's been in a nursing home since June, slowly deteriorating. She's been ill for quite some time; diabetes, obesity, gangrene, bed sores. And she's been on dialysis. Merle hasn't been out of bed for several months. Therapy is not helping. She is in pain, she is unhappy, and she is tired.

This is the decision she has made: to stop dialysis treatments. Very soon, her kidneys will shut down. Very soon, her body will continue to retain fluids. Very soon she will lose consciousness. Very soon, she will die.

As she's losing control of her body, Merle is in control of her life. To the end. We don't all get this luxury. I have a wave of emotions running through me about this news. I'm sad. Sad for her, sad for my sister-in-law, sad for her sisters, sad that my nieces and nephews are going to lose yet another grandparent. I'm scared. Scared for her, scared for my sister-in-law, scared for my brother, even. Merle has been living with them for nine years. As their lives changed when she became a permanent resident, I imagine it will change again.

I'm also scared for me. Scared that I have officially entered this stage of my life. The stage where parents begin to die. I was the first one in my circle of friends to lose a parent. And then two years ago, my friend Javier's mother passed away. The other day, I found out that another friend of mine is facing a possible loss. Brian's dad, who delivered Lily, has cancer. And it doesn't look good.

There are stages in a life that are great. Being born, becoming a teenager, finishing puberty, graduating from high school and college, getting married, becoming a parent. The stage I've entered sucks.

We don't always get to say goodbye to the people in our lives. Maybe Merle's decision, while sad and scary, is a blessing in disguise, to an extent. She gets to say goodbye.

On her terms.