Fun is about to begin

Hello middle age...nice to meet you. I'm about 10 years early, but I am scheduled to have a...wait for it...wait for it...colonoscopy on Thursday. The doctor still can't figure out my plumbing issues, so back in early June, I scheduled the test. I was kind of hoping my problem would miraculously heal itself before the actual date, but no luck. My father was diagnosed with Chrons Disease several years before he got the gastric lymphoma, but his issues were the complete opposite of mine. In fact, most times, he would barely be done eating, and he'd be running to the bathroom. He's not here anymore, so I guess I can "out" his bowel movements with reckless abandon.

I've been told that the test itself is no big deal. It's the preparation that scares the shit out of me (pun intended, of course). Before we left for vacation, I went to Walmart to have a prescription for Movi Prep filled, and I picked up a bottle of Magnesium Citrate. Last Saturday, I had to stop taking all of my vitamins and iron supplements, and I cannot take any aspirin products or other blood thinners. I had a backache earlier today, but had to "take the pain...take the pain..." in lieu of medicating myself with Advil. It wasn't that bad anyway.

Here is my routine for the next two days, starting tomorrow morning (as sent to me in the "Colonoscopy Prep Using Movi Prep Solution" instructions):

• I have to have clear liquids ONLY, no food allowed. Clear liquids include: water, apple juice, white grape juice, tea, coffee (no cream or milk), cola, broth, Popsicles (I have no idea why they capitalized the P), jello (you'd think they would have capitalized the J), Gatorade, and Powerade (nothing red).


• At 6pm drink 1 10oz. bottle of the Magnesium Citrate.


• The day before the test: Mix the 1st liter of MoviPrep in the morning. Empty 1 pouch "A" & 1 pouch "B" into the MoviPrep disposable container. Add lukewarm water to the top line of container. Mix to dissolve, and refrigerate.


• At 6pm, begin drinking the 1st liter of MoviPrep. The MoviPrep container is divided by 4 marks. Every 15 minutes, drink the solution down to the next mark (approx. 8 oz.) until the full liter is finished. After finishing the 1st liter of MoviPrep, drink 16 oz. or more of clear liquids of your choice over the next two hours. This should initiate bowel movements.


• Mix the 2nd liter of MoviPrep. Empty 1 pouch "A" & 1 pouch "B" into the MoviPrep disposable container. Add lukewarm water to the top line of container. Mix to dissolve, and refrigerate.


• At 2:00am, begin drinking the 2nd liter (32 oz.) of MoviPrep. The MoviPrep container is divided by 4 marks. Every 15 minutes, drink the solution down to the next mark (approx. 8 oz.) until the full liter is finished. After finishing the 2nd liter of MoviPrep, drink 16 oz. or more of clear liquids of your choice over the next two hours. The bowels should eventually empty to a clear, yellow liquid. Continue clear liquids until 5:00am. THEN NOTHING BY MOUTH UNTIL AFTER PROCEDURE.

I guess I'm glad I'm not traveling this week. In celebration of the event, and since they make the solution sound so entertaining, Cyndi and I are going to have a MoviPrep movie marathon Wednesday night. I have to pick a bunch of movies I want to see since I will probably not get any sleep. I also have to consider movies (or should I write Movi's) that do not require much thought, since I will be pausing them constantly to soil my underutilized toilet. I guess Momentum is out of the question, but a very appropriate choice.

Any and all MoviPrep marathon suggestions are welcomed and appreciated.