Unwanted Titles

*

Just because I don't like cats doesn't mean I didn't have to feel bad when I killed one.

**

There seems to be a wild raccoon that has taken up residence in my garbage dumpster.

*

I was in college when it happened; home for the weekend just after summer break. I was driving west down Bode Road in Schaumburg. I wasn't alone. I was 19 and dating a 16 year-old high school junior. Dating would probably be the wrong term. We were messing around, really. And not that kind of messing around. Sure, we kissed and stuff, but the girl wasn't of age. Her parents had met me, her dad gave his blessing to our "relationship," but it was just a casual thing. It had to be a casual thing.

**

I'm scared shitless of wild animals. It literally gives me the creeps; shivers run through my body thinking about the raccoon sleeping in my dumpster. I refuse to go out there and look at it. Cyndi discovered the intruder late last night. She needed to rummage through the dumpster to look for two missing forks. Not just any kind of forks; imported Danish forks. Little ones that have been in my mother-in-law's possession for years. Someone may have accidentally tossed them in the garbage when cleaning up the Cold Table. This isn't something that just happened the other night. These forks get lost, Cyndi tells me. They always get lost.

*

My traveling companion and I were heading to a park. Why we were going all the way to a park on Bode Road when we had several of them in our neighborhood is beyond my recollection. It was night and the cat was black. I saw it running toward my car in the corner of my eye. I thought I could avoid the inevitable, but I hit it. I felt the thing roll under my tire and hit the underside of my car. I mean, not only did it make a thud, but I felt the sound itself. It's like the time I saw a teenage couple arguing outside my bedroom when I was a kid. I think her name was Marcy McCann, or it was Marcy McCann's older sister. I remember it was a McCann. The girl and her boyfriend were arguing, and the guy pushed her. I was scared. Scared for her, but mostly scared for me. I was watching them from my window. They woke me up; woke my dad up too. When she fell down, her head hit the sidewalk. From 20 yards away, I felt the sound of her head hitting the hard pavement. I felt the sound. I still remember the sound.

**

When Cyndi came into the house to tell me about the raccoon, I panicked. I felt invaded. I felt violated. By a wild animal. I was glad Cyndi wasn't attacked by this thing. I wanted it gone. Cyndi has a soft spot in her heart for animals. She wanted to get a closer look. She wanted me to get a closer look. I refused. She didn't. Sure enough the animal was nestled underneath an empty Domino's pizza box. Sound asleep. No more rummaging through the trash for her, I thought. How do we get this damn thing out of our dumpster, I asked. Cyndi wanted to let it sleep. She wanted it to be warm. He'll be gone in the morning, she assured me. And she was right.

*

I knew the cat was a goner. It managed to run back toward the side of the road, and disappear in the dark green grass. I pulled the car over, and ran toward the cat. It was lying on its side, stiff. I didn't have the guts to touch it. I should have checked to see if it had tags, but I was afraid it would jump out at me; attack me for taking away its nine lives. My companion didn't seem too upset. She wanted to get to the park and play on the swing set. I was out of my league with it all. The cat, the girl, me. I became a cat killer that night, and I wasn't even in the market for the title.

**

The damn thing came back tonight, too. It's sleeping under the pizza box again. We should have moved the dumpster inside the garage. We should have put a rock on top of it. We should have, but we didn't. I wanted to call animal control. Isn't that what they are for, I asked. It's not a free service, Cyndi said, knowing her husband all too well. I want it out of my life. I don't want to harm it, I just want it gone. I'm not in the market for another new title.