How to do the opposite of Dale Carnegie or Thanks for allowing me to vent

As I get older, and some might claim, wiser, I try to improve upon the mistakes I have made. This year marks some growth in many areas for me; namely the reparation of broken relationships. Time, distance, and maturity have a lot to do with this area of life, and I'm glad that the people with whom we've reconnected are back. It's a new relationship, kind of, but one that includes mutual respect for differing opinions; something that wasn't present previously.

I've also read some good sales/self-improvement books this year that helps highlight many of the personality traits that make for positive relationships. Earlier, it was the "7 Habits of Highly Effective People." This book is a little harder for me to embrace. I read it 10+ years ago, and still struggle with some of what Covey stresses. Not because of anything he writes, but mostly because I find it difficult to transition his Habits into my daily routine.

The book I'm reading now, "How to Win Friends & Influence People" by Dale Carnegie, is a bit more approachable for me. It was originally published in 1936, so when my manager suggested our sales team read the book together, I have to admit, I rolled my eyes.

"What can I learn from a book that was written so long ago," I thought to myself. I tend to put up barriers when I know nothing about the reality of certain things.

I have not finished the book yet--almost done with Part III--but I can tell you that if you apply much of what Carnegie suggests, life can and does improve. For example, when I had to deal with a customer service issue a few weeks ago, one that would have normally had me over the top and arguing with the agent, I tried an approach that Carnegie suggests. I calmly praised the agent, who was about to pass me on to someone else, told her that I appreciated everything she was doing for me and that I realized my problem (the new cell phone we got for Cyndi was not working) was a bit complicated, but I needed her help. Instead, she spent the next 30 minutes resolving my issue. It was genius. I relaxed my natural instinct to demand service and got what I wanted anyway. Cyndi even noticed the situation when I was on the phone and praised me for my effort. I could not wait to try another concept.

However, there seems to be an exception to every rule. Earlier today, Cyndi had some minor surgery (she's resting comfortably). While I was waiting, I began reading Part III of the book. This section deals with winning people to your way of thinking. Carnegie stresses that you cannot win an argument (you win no points; you actually lose when you win), so it is pointless to engage in the verbal diarrhea.

I contemplated this concept when the pager I had in my possession buzzed, informing me that I could join Cyndi in recovery. Next July, Cyndi and I will be together 15 years. I think it's safe to say we know each other. Every time she's put under anesthesia it's a nightmare. She gets totally zonked out, is nauseous, and can't wait for things to get back to normal. We tell the doctors this, we tell the nurses this, we'd shout it from a chair if it helped people actually hear what we are saying.

When I entered the recovery room, Cyndi was as I expected. Her eyes were red and glassy, she was drinking a cup of juice, and she could barely carry on a conversation. I took my spot in the chair next to her, and proceeded to wait it out with my wife. She'd eventually come around, and we'd be on our way.

I've worked in Health Care since 1992. I'm not a doctor or a medical expert, but I've been in enough in-patient situations that I know that people are always within earshot. I'm also a people watcher. So as my wife attempted to "sleep it off," I watched the nursing staff. More specifically, I listened. They began complaining about needing to get the patients out of Phase II Recovery (where Cyndi was) because they "needed the beds." They complained about being short staffed. They just complained.

Frustrated and overworked, Cyndi's nursed rushed into the room carrying my wife's belongings, and proceeded to tell us it was time to go. I took a deep breath and thought about Carnegie. I knew the right thing to do was not to argue with this woman. I reminded her about Cyndi's reactions, and she immediately went into defensive mode, telling me, "everyone is like this."

As I said, every rule, no matter how hard you try to adopt it, has exceptions. In my mind, I apologized to Carnegie, and defended my wife. I was not going to lose to the hospital's need to empty a bed. Cyndi needed more time, and I was going to make sure she got it.

The nurse wasn't budging. She rattled off the discharge instructions and continued to attempt to hurry us out. I hurried her out of the room by placating her, shut off the lights, and let my wife sleep another hour. Nausea set in, as expected, and we were there another hour while that passed.

In the end, like Carnegie suggests, no one won, really. I got what I wanted, but left with a bad impression of the day's events. This was supposed to be about Cyndi, and maybe my reaction continued to make it so, but I also feel like my need to protect/defend my wife got in the way; kind of like I did during the broken relationship I mentioned earlier.

People change their ways as they get older. I like to think I am making steps toward improvement. Today was both positive and negative. I like the positive changes better.